Queuing Etiquette: The 9 points of the game
1. Be friendly.
Greet the person at the end of the queue, but only ask what the queue is for after catching your breath. Open with, "Saka vati sugar yacho ichauya nguvayi?” You are fishing, so they will look at you and give two answers to your one question. "Iyi I queue yechingwa. Zvanzi na10 o'clock". Then you decide whether to stay in the queue for bread or maybe you can’t stand the three hours long wait.
2. Avoid drinking a lot of water.
Your brief escape to empty a blotted bladder will lose you your spot. Often chaos takes over and the queue will be reorganized in your absence. I suggest you eat a few bananas instead, so there is no urge to 'go' for either number 1 or 2.
3. Never discuss politics.
Total 'No, No!’ These people are strangers to whom you dare not divulge your political affiliation to. Speak in general terms about hurumende yedu but never, ever mention any names whatsoever. Talk about the weather, and if you have nothing to say, just zip it!
4. Beware of bad breath discharge from the guy behind you.
Toothpaste and mouthwash rank low amongst a hungry family’s priorities. Whilst you need not worry about the guy in front, make sure that your head is askance and facing downwards to avoid the direct flood of halitosis from the person behind you.
5. If you'd rather not talk, clutch your jaw to indicate a tooth ache or sore gums or mouth sores or sore throat!
6. Keep Your Distance.
If the person in front of you is a lady, leave a discreet gap between the two of you. Avoid any animated conversations and depending on her age, address her as ambhuya as failure to do so could elicit the following:-
a. She will look at you accusingly and speak loud enough for all to hear that you are rubbing your manhood against her rump. That could be a death sentence with any angry Zimbo crowd.
b. The husband could be a few places behind you in the queue and would not be too happy to see you borrowing some warmth from his wife also known as kudya mahalf.
c. You will walk away from that place with your 2kg sugar plus a small house. Some of these women are extremely crafty and you are emotionally captivated by her before you know it.
7. No need to push and shove.
This will not reduce the waiting time but will possibly annoy the person in front of you and create chaos.
8. Read a book or magazine.
This discourages people from starting pointless conversations with you. Tell them, "Ndirikuita Form 4 gore rino saka hapana nguva yekutambisa".
9. Always approach the queue from the rear.
Otherwise all those bored individuals will suddenly find in you a moving object upon which to exercise their optic nerves.
